i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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