I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
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Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
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That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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