the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
