When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
