you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
