girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
