i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
