I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
