we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
