I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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