Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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