Christians are straight up FREAKS
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
