I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
