i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
