I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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