I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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