How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
