i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
