So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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