I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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