What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
