So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
