I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
