He disabled his match.com account in front of me
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
