I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
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i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
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Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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