the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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