tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
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