I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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