Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I can't put those talents on a resume
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
