I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
