I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
