I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
