I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
