I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
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You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
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My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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