that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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