Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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