i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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