My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
