Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
