Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
