i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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