So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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