what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
