i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
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