can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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