He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
