i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
