i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
