We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
