I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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