I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
