As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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