my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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