Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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