Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
