The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
