Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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