I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
