Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
