I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
