U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
