I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
