Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
