Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
