I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
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